I'm no longer empty and I don't fill the emptiness with clothes and accessories from (over)expensive brands. I no longer admire the yachts that pass by my terrace at sea and I no longer need to spend my holidays like that. I have no need for exotic trips to somewhere far away.
But two years ago, it was not like that. I admired and envied those who could afford the 'ideal' holiday, e.g. in modern hotels, yachts, remote places, or just better apartments. ZIt seemed to me that money, if I had it, would solve everything. I was constantly looking for and creating a picture of the 'ideal' holiday. By looking around for others (in the world and online) I always found something better than what I could afford. And it was never good enough. Never. Even when I chose a room, an apartment, I spoiled my holiday by looking for what was wrong and idealizing other rooms or apartments. So I was creating my own dissatisfaction and as a result I didn't enjoy my holiday. I was always with my thoughts and desires elsewhere and I didn't know how to enjoy and appreciate what I had. My head was in the expectations of the future and was left with dissatisfaction in the present.
As a result, I was often dissatisfied with the choices I had to make because I was always looking at what better choices I could have made, what I could have afforded if I had the money. Today I realize that nothing would have saved me. I could have afforded so many ideal things and I would still have been empty. Because the feeling of emptiness cannot be filled with material things. The feeling of loneliness cannot be filled with words.
I have no need to fill the silence with words. Because silence is full and beautiful. I can be with it. I have no need to beautify, to fix myself and the world around me. It is amazing the way it is. And I can be as I am. I don't need to fill the restlessness inside me with work, with company. It doesn't exist. I no longer need to do projects to prove myself, to myself and to others. I no longer work for praise and validation. I can create and contribute. I contribute without expecting anything. I give and receive. I no longer need to run through life, I can walk. I no longer need to read all the books to know.
can be here and now, still and be heard. I can hear what calls me, one time to write, another time to edit the Institute's new website, to iron, to start a new project, to cook ... This is freedom for me. I don't wait for the right moment. Because waiting for the right moment, the right thing, in the right way, kills (Kipp), paralyses. The art of life is to see the extraordinary and the opportunity, whatever the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
Fotografija: Mateja Peršolja